I’m still practicing blogging more regularly, the “practicing” of which I imagine is terribly obvious. It’s going…well, it’s going. Which is how a lot of things are right now: they’re going, going, going, and soon they’ll be gone. Things have been speeding up with all my preparation for heading to South Korea next month and working, so it’s been a bit more than crazy. But I know I’ll get there! And I’m excited! I will practice my Korean, fill out forms, pack boxes, and practice not tearing up every time I imagine saying good-bye to my friends and family at the airport. So basically, levelling up in life!
That is not the denouement of this post, however.
I just went for a little drive out along the hills that line the valley my small-ish city rests in. There are some areas which very quickly turn from street-lit roads to dirt and sagebrush-lined adventure ways. It provides the perfect avenue for me to down my lukewarm Timmys Double Double, bask in my little car’s heater and let my face run salty as I listen to some excellent Hillsong tunes.
My eyes seem to leak a little more easily these days – AKA the closer I get to leaving everything I know and love. I used to hate crying and I still kind of do, though I’ve learned to get used to it. Because y’know, expressing our emotions is good! (All in moderation, of course). It’s pretty natural for them to well up in ourselves and when they do, there’s bound to be some spillage.
Anyhow, sometimes when I’m heading home and my thoughts just aren’t resolved yet – they aren’t mixed evenly and patted down ready to be cut into cookie shapes and tossed in an oven to bake and be shared without crumbling – I keep going and just drive, turn up a fluid, thoughtful song, and start talking to my God.
Here’s a piece of the song I was listening to at the time of saltiness:
“And my soul will know
When fear comes knocking
There You’ll be my guard
When day breeds trouble
There You’ll hold my heart
Come storm or battle
God I know Your peace will meet me there.”
“Prince of Peace” by Hillsong
This drive, I finally admitted the fact that I’m scared of leaving the city and the family I grew up in. To myself, and to God. Really and truly. I had half-heartedly done so before, but it was head knowledge. I “knew” that I was scared, but I didn’t really. I never had to confront it yet and but now I must, since my date of departure is rushing forward filled with VISA’s and contracts. I’m beginning to realize this fear that’s been snowballing around inside me…and I didn’t even know it had grown so large. Until now.
The farther I go in this journey toward starting the next stage of my life, the more I realize how weak I am, as a person, and how anxious I can get over all these incredibly important details tinged with government stamps and consulate approval. I’m realizing how much I’ve been letting fear spin my mind, when I should have been grounding it by the river. Y’know, like that tree in Psalms 1:3?
So now I’m kicking this baby monster to the curb, because who needs fear in their heart when they know they’re stepping in the footprints of the One who has gone before and already pre-paid everything, chatted up the employees, and bragged about their kid who’s coming behind them? Because that’s Jesus for you. An insanely proud Dad who loves to roll out red carpets for his kids. I love it!
And I will accept it! Even though I don’t deserve it an iota, He loves me more than enough to cover every stupid thing I have ever and will ever do, including worrying or fearing about things He’s already taken care of. So I shall not fear – because my Daddy really IS the strongest of them all!
So, yeah. I’m scared. But I’ll keep handing it over, again and again, because I don’t have to be afraid. I’m leaving one beautiful city that He created, for another beautiful city that He also created. Just in a different time zone and country. I’m leaving all that is comfy and nice and easy and heading to where I’ll have to really practice my faith, and imprint it on the inner walls of my mind so that it’s the first thing I think of.
Easier said than done, but hey, that’s what this adventure – and life in Him – requires. And I will level up accordingly. With assistance. Batteries Included. For all ages.
This blog post: +5 Faith +2 Blogging Habits +8 Metaphysical Realizations +3 Caffeine