You know, I don’t really know what to say.
This year in Korea is fast finishing, and there’s now only about 3 weeks until I leave…I don’t know if I’ll ever be returning. Who knows? Maybe I will. Maybe I’ll be drawn back, for an event, for a friend, for a time. I’d like to be, though only He knows.
I knew when I came here that I would only be in Korea for one year, or two. Many people back home, at hearing that, then made the compulsory joke, “Unless you get married!” Yeah, okay. I’ll leave that to Him.
Regardless of what I thought would or would not happen, I had no idea how the year would turn out: would I fall in love with this place, with these people, with this job? Or would I just make my way through, mostly surviving and not so much enjoying? Whatever was to come, I was determined to make….good of it. Not necessarily the best (how are you supposed to know if you’ve made the best of something when you can’t see all the possible options?), but I knew that God had brought to me to this place, and because He had, has had, has, and will continue to have good things for me, it would be good. I knew that. Knew it beyond feeling it.
I just didn’t know how long it would be for. I was almost 100% certain it wouldn’t turn into anything long-term because I knew how I felt about my home, and I knew the depth of everything I was leaving behind. I’ve always been one to figure out what I liked without much hassle, and stick to that – and not like your average glue stick, but like crazy glue. Whether that was my favourite burger at Red Robins, a pair of jeans, a T.V. show, a city, a tight sphere of friends and family, and the force of smooth grace that wakes me up every morning and is a bookend to…well, everything. (Though, that’s not to say I don’t step outside of what I know and love. Exhibit A: me moving to Korea).
You know, I still don’t know what to say.
I’ve been here for a year that – and I can say this in no muddy terms – has completely tweaked my life. It’s altered my life, and me. Through this time, God has accomplished things here with me, and I’m certain with others here too.
I’ve been here for a year, and away from my home for a year. Some might say that I’m only just truly getting used to things here, that if I stayed longer I would adjust further and find ever more than I did before.
I’m sure that’s true. I have no doubt that I would get even more used to things, and see more and meet more and do more…
But I’m also sure that’s not where I’ll be getting the most bang for my buck, the most juice from my life, the most….just the most. I’m just not that person who will get the most out of living here for more than one year. I don’t say this because I’m overly concerned out of what I can get out of my life for me, but rather where it will be best used by Him (which, I happen to have on good authority, also translates to “Best for Adina” 🙂 ). This last year, I truly believe my life was best in Korea. This next year, I truly believe it will be best back home in Canada.
I’m going through this last month acknowledging it as such: my last in Korea. I know this experience is ending and because of that, I’m trying not to look ahead too much. Trying not to anticipate returning home too much. That’s been a challenge.
So I’ve been deliberate, consciously stopping and taking things in. Or at least trying to. I’m successful sometimes, and at others I find myself thinking, “Okay. In a few weeks, I may never walk this street again, I may never see this skyline again, I may never see these students again, I may never talk to this person like this again………. Okay. Moment absorbed. How many weeks do I leave in again?”
I’m not saying this to lessen the impact this people and place have made in me and on me, or to lessen the amount I’ll come to miss them. But that’s just it: the amount I’ll come to miss them.
I feel as though I can’t possibly, properly and to the fullest extent, appreciate everything I have here because I still have it, but mostly because I’m so focused on returning home. Even realizing that has yet to help me more fully grip my remaining time here. I don’t understand it.
I can only observe how strongly the ache and desire for home has hit upon me. As though, now that my plane tickets are purchased and things put into motion, I’ve let myself think about it more fully and that’s all the permission my little heart needed to get steamrolling with that feeling. That’s made all the more so when it decides to drive outside the lines.
So, I still don’t know what to say…I guess, other than I feel stuck in a strange kind of limbo, in a state of heart and mind that has me confused as to what levels of anticipation and potential heartache and the ability to savour I should be feeling.
And that’s okay.
Maybe if I was perfect, I wouldn’t feel this way.
Maybe if I was perfect, I would be able to have some magical balance within, that perfectly stitched together all these emotions and actions. I would never have to worry about being other than what I am.
Maybe then I could feel balanced between these two places, filled with different wonderful people.
But I’m not. I live in an imperfect world with imperfect ways of life, and an imperfect way of thinking. I live in a world of lashing everything together as if I’m trying to gather the floating remains from a[n emotional] shipwreck and survive.
That’s not been my feeling the majority of this time, though. Certainly not. Maybe part of why I’m feeling so at a loss is because I’m not used to letting myself feel like this (and make no mistake, I am letting myself feel like this because if I were perfect, I would be confronting it and swiftly changing it).
This is just right now, in this moment, in this hour, perhaps in this day. And I know that’ll change because He’ll continue to change me. He’ll continue to spur me to change, to adjust, to see and feel with His spirit and not my own.
He’ll continue to tweak me here and there, sometimes delving deep to do some heavier renovation.
And I have complete and utter confidence in that fact. It’s only for that reason that I can sit here and type these words, sharing the uncertain state I’m in right now. And sure, maybe this state will seem rather inconsequential to some, but it’s where I’m currently at – though not where I’ll be.
This is newer for me: sharing these thoughts while they’re still half-baked, still doughy. Usually, I wait until He and others have helped me sort them all out and I can look at all of the individual pieces laying out on a table and go, “Aha! That’s what it was!”
It’s only because of Him that I feel okay not feeling okay, because I know He is.
He just is, and because He is, so am I.
He is, and He makes things be, He makes things that will be, and He makes me.
That’s what I wanted to say.
PS: this post was written the day before publishing, and in that time I can see that He’s tweaked me some more 🙂