Well, hello there!
It’s been close to a month and a half since I’ve landed back on Canadian soil (and subsequently, since I’ve blogged), and it was so glorious. Between mentally trying to prepare myself for transitioning to a new space and time (again), giddily watching the sun rise as a beautiful gradient when I crossed over Alaskan skies, being irrationally excited at the sight of rainy Vancouver, with the dark outlines of treed mountains in the distance, almost missing my connecting flight to my small-town airport, and not having slept a minute, it was crazy.
My family, extended family, and some close friends met me at the airport, homemade signs and all! (They would’ve also greeted me with Timmys coffee and Timbits in hand if I hadn’t specifically said not to, because that was our next stop.) And I’ll readily admit, I cried some. It’s hard not to when you’re hugging your mom and dad, and then they’re tearing up too.
Then the days were filled with hugging more friends and family, answering a plethora of questions, getting over jetlag for much too long, catching a nasty virus and putting it down, playing the amazing new Zelda game that came out the day after I got back (I was crazy enough to head to the 8 AM release with my brother – we did have pre-orders, after all!), and sending out resumes and inquiries for future positions. An armload of things, really.
Wound all the way through all that, though, was the wiggling need to sit down and write it all out, to really face all this change and readjustment that was happening – some of which, on deeper levels, I was not yet aware of. I know I need to process things – usually through a music-laden journalling session – but I just…didn’t. Yes, there were many things vying for my time or even taking it anyways, but I didn’t make that time. Now that I had the opportunity to lean back and take a breath (or hundred) I was taking it.
When I finally did sit to down to write it all out for myself, did it ever fall out. The thoughts were over-ripe and already falling from my dendritic tree, and so I cleaned them all up and processed them into a nice variety of juices, jams, prepared fruits. So to speak. There’s still more, and it was a messy, sticky process, but I realized/re-realized some things…
- Korea took a lot more out of me than I thought.
- Now being without a full-time job and apartment of my own is a transition in and of itself.
- Being unsure of the direction of my life – in terms of a job, relationships or otherwise – is nothing new to God, and it’s only temporary because He’s got good plans!
That last one is a re-realization, but it’s one that’s fresh and in a way I’ve not experienced, until now. Before I left Korea, I had some solid ideas of what I’d be doing next, of what was coming next, but ideas always seem to change before they become reality. Especially when they’re our ideas and not His. Funny how that is. The answer: I’m working hard to stick close to Him and little by little, lots by lots, hear Him and recognize Him when He drops something into my lap, when He beckons me somewhere. I still don’t know what it’ll look like, but He does, and that’ll have to be good enough for me!
Now that second item was something I was not expecting, despite all of my expecting to expect. Before I left Korea, I’d been living at home, finishing schooling and working jobs. Then I was living in Korea, in my own space, working in a job I studied to do and enjoyed, exploring new things and encountering some crazy times. Now, as my Mom has been saying, “You’re adjusting from your exciting life overseas in Korea, to back home.” A simple statement but no less true, even if I was looking forward to returning. Even now I’m still adjusting, but when I’m thrown for a loop, I’ll just try to follow it back around, back to my track.
And item number one…I was surprised when I was confronted with that truth…but a little unsurprised too. I knew it was hard, being away from my home (again, a thing/people/place I’m very close to), but I didn’t know how much until I arrived home and took the deepest metaphorical breath I’d been able to since I left it last year. This last year, I was strong. I had to be, living so far away and far removed from all that helped make me strong. I had to lean more on His strength than ever before, which was easy and hard all at the same time. I kind of wish I was the kind of person who could live in Korea easily being strong, finding new sources of strength easily, and keeping up old ones with ease. But…I also don’t wish that, because then I wouldn’t be me, and my year wouldn’t have my year – it would’ve been someone else’s.
Even though it was harder than I realized, that doesn’t change my experience. I loved my time there, and it was a time sanctioned by Jesus, filled with Him. If anything, knowing this makes my time there worth more. It took great armloads of effort to run through it the way I did, and I know that I’ll be finding myself filled with armloads of goodness following that experience.
So now I’ll be ready for wherever God’s bringing me next, my arms struggling to hold all the awesomeness that He’s given me this last year, and ready to bring it with me and toss it all around – confetti style.
After all, I’ve got armloads of the stuff.